Coffee and Cigarettes
by Kirunavaara
Summary: My take on Cameron's thoughts during her husband's illness. One-shot.


Disclaimer: Neither House MD nor the song "Coffee and Cigarettes" by Augustana belong to me. And I don't get money. Too bad, actually.

Summary: My take on Cameron's thoughts during her husband's disease.

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**Coffee and Cigarettes**

_Wake up, take your pills dear, I know this time of year_

_Ain't right for you._

Allison Cameron splashed the icy water in her face. Then she held her hands under the spurt, letting it flow all over them, up until they felt completely numb and pressed them against her eyes, which were puffy and red because of all the crying she had done that night. It did her good and she wished she could just stand there like this forever, she wished she could shut out the world. Her husband's pills, neatly set next to the sink.

_You came with a sickness, shot down back in Christmas_

_Kamikaze rain..._

Forcefully brushing her hair and trying to cover up the traces of her nightly tears with make-up, she thought of Christmas Eve. They had believed it would get better. They had wanted to celebrate. The first Christmas that they spent as a married couple. But the illness had destroyed all of their plans. Of course. In the morning, he had already felt worse than the day before. At about noon, she'd brought him to the hospital even though he'd been protesting against it all the way. He was immediately admitted.

_And I'm sure you've lost that weight again_

_I'm sure the pills keep pouring in_

_Like smoke that falls it's carving into you._

And his prospects had really been better before that day, at least for a short time. He had even gained a little weight. But within the few days he had spent at the hospital now, he had lost it again. And the morphine they gave him because of the pain made him spend the little time he had left in a haze in between waking and slumber.

She wondered if they, their friends, their families, had any idea how it felt, how much it hurt, spending your days next to a hospital bed, watching the person you loved slowly fade away. She knew she wasn't being fair. Of course there were people out there who knew how it felt. Of course she wasn't the only person in that damned world losing someone they loved. But seriously, right now, what did the others matter to her? All she could feel was her own pain and even that was more than she could possibly bear. She had known that it would hurt, sure she had. She just hadn't had any idea how much before.

_So put me on a plain and fly me to anywhere... with you_

Oh, how much she wished they could escape this endless nightmare. But even if they took the next plane and ran away to the other end of the world, the cancer would still be there, taking his life away piece by piece.

_One night, when you woke up, you bled... till you spoke up_

_Oh this ain't pretty dear_

_With clocks, watch the time go... till spring,_

_When the sun can finally be free._

The end was very near, she knew that. It was just so unfair. They should have lived happily together for years. Maybe started a family. Maybe they would've had children. Even though she couldn't see herself as a mother yet. She was so young. It wasn't an issue anyway, because life was taking that possibility away from her, at least for the moment. Her husband would be dead before this winter's snow was even beginning to melt away. She was 21 and soon, too soon, she'd be a widow. It was more likely to happen sooner than later. Whether or not she was able to get involved with a man like that ever again afterwards, she couldn't tell right now. A single tear slid down her cheek as the pain stabbed through her like a knife. She furiously wiped it away and had to collect all her strength to pay attention to the traffic.

Some days, she wondered how she managed to live with that piercing feeling the pain left in her chest. She wondered why she didn't fall apart, how she was able to remain on her feet and keep walking when it hit her. She just did.

_And I'm sure you've lost that weight again_

_I'm sure the pills keep pouring in _

_We'll scream at night to make it go away._

On her way down the floor to her husband's room she wondered, how many nights she'd been lying awake being all in tears, until pure exhaustion sent her into a coma- like, little relaxing sleep. How many times had she begged God to help him until she lost her faith? She thought of how much she detested hospitals. She wondered how anyone could seriously work there.

Opening the door, she inhaled deeply before she took a seat next to his bed and grabbed his hand. He smiled weakly at her and she forced herself to do the same.

_So put me on a plain and fly me to anywhere... but you..._

She lowered her head so that he couldn't see the hopelessness, the pain, the desperation, clearly visible in her eyes. For Allison Cameron, there was no escape route. She would stay up until the bitter ending. Till death tore them apart.

A low, humourless chuckle escaped her mouth when she thought that one. Till death tore them apart. How many couples even bothered to think about that line twice? She was reminded of it every day.

He pressed her hand and she looked up. Met his gaze. He had caught her mood. Didn't he always? "Ally…" His voice sounded rough. "Shh…" She touched his lips with the trembling thumb of her left hand. "Don't… It's okay. I'm going to be okay." She tried to assure him but she wasn't too convinced herself. In fact, she wasn't sure if she was ever going to be okay again. "I promise…" She whispered. "I promise…"

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AN: I really hope you liked it! Reviews would be great!


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